80+ Short Funny Quotes & Sayings That You Won’t Stop Laughing
Short Funny Quotes
“Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.” —Ricky Gervais
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” —Steve Martin
“Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.” —Unknown
“A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.” —Anonymous
“Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy.” —Huey Long
“The reward for work well done is the opportunity to do more.” —Unknown
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? —Robin Williams
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” —Jim Carrey
“Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.” —Will Rogers
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” —Oscar Wilde
“How come you never see a headline like Psychic Wins Lottery”? —Jay Leno
Short Funny Quotes and Sayings
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.” —Ralph Bus
“Why do people say no offense” right before they’re about to offend you? —Anonymous
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” —Henny Youngman
“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.” —Jackie Mason
“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.” —Oliver Herford
“I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names.” —Demitri Martin
“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” —Richard Jeni
“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” —Demetri Martin
“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.” —Rita Rudner
“Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. Lesson is, never try.” —Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” —Steven Wright
“A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion.” —George Carlin
“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.” —Douglas Adams
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” —Groucho Marx
“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” —Henny Youngman
“The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.” —Stanley Randall
“When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them.” —Lisa Kennedy Montgomery
“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.” —Steve Martin
“Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.” —Mark Twain
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” —Winston S. Churchill
“Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” —Robert Bloch
“The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.” —Milton Berle
“I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.” —Woody Allen
“An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” —Agatha Christie
“I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.” —Fred Allen
“My kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.” —Sarah Silverman
“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” —Rita Rudner
“How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.” —Fred Allen
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.” —Bob Monkhouse
“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” —Lana Turner
“USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population.” —Dave Letterman
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” —Frank Sinatra
“If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.” —Chris Rock
“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.” —Dennis Miller
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.” —Helen Rowland
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” —Jack Handey
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” —Dave Barry
Funny Office Quotes and Sayings
“Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss’s job.” —Unknown
“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.” —William Archibald Spooner
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” —Edgar Bergen
“His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours.” —Arthur Baer
“The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit.” —Dwight Morrow
“Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.” —Anonymous
“Any organization is like a septic tank. The really big chunks rise to the top.” —John Imhoff
“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.” —Unknown
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” —Claude McDonald
“Tell your boss what you really think about him and the truth shall set you free.” —Patrick Murray
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” —Charles Lamb
“I am a friend of the workingman, I would rather be his friend than be one.” —Clarence Darrow
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.” —Bove’s Theorem
“If you think your boss is stupid remember; you wouldn’t have a job if he was smarter.” —Albert Grant
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” —Bertrand Russell
“I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.” —Anonymous
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The trouble is they want a week’s pay for it.” —Joey Adams
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth–even if it costs him his job.” —Samuel Goldwyn
“I mean what good does it do anyone to kill themselves working, because the worms will get you in the end.” —Dorothy Gish
“Conway’s Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on – This person must be fired.” —Anonymous
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” —Robert Orben
“Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, “Certainly, I can!” Then get busy and find out how to do it.” —Theodore Roosevelt
“If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.” —Cannon’s Law
Short Funny Sayings and Quotes
“Experience is a comb which nature gives to men when they are bald.” —Anonymous
“The fellow who never makes a mistake takes his orders from one who does.” —Anonymous
“Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking.” —Anonymous
“An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.” —Unknown
“I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and stare at it for hours.” —Oscar Wilde
“HAM AND EGGS – A day’s work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.” —Unknown
“A banker lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.” —Unknown