Sarcastic Quotes and Funny Sarcasm Inspirational Sayings 2021
Best Sarcastic Quotes
“Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.”
“Life’s good, you should get one.”
“Find your patience before I lose mine.”
“Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.”
“Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever.”
“You sound better with your mouth closed.”
“I’m smiling… that alone should scare you.”
“Well at least your mom thinks you’re pretty.”
“Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”
“Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.”
“I’ve got a good heart but this mouth…”
“If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.”
“Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.”
“Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.”
“Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.”
“My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.”
“My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.”
“I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.”
“Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.”
“Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.”
“Think I am sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care!”
“I’ll try being nicer, if you try being smarter.”
“Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.”
“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”
“Let’s share… You’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin.”
“I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.”
“Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal.”
“Well, my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.”
“You always do me a favor, when you shut up!”
“I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
“My friends are so much cooler than yours. They’re invisible.”
“If I promise to miss you, will you go away?”
“Are you always so stupid or is today a special ocassion?”
“I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.”
“Sarcasm – the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.”
“Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.”
“Yet despite the look on my face… you are still talking.”
“If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”
“Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.”
“Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.”
“I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane.”
“Sure I’ll help you out… the same way you came in.”
“It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”
“I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.”
“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”
“Sarcasm: because arguing with stupid people just wouldn’t be as much fun.”
“Sarcasm: Helping the intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.”
“Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”
“I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest!”
“If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.”
“I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.”
“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.”
“Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.”
“Are you always this retarded or are you making a special effort today?”
“You’d be in good shape… if you ran as much as your mouth.”
“If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.”
“That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.”
“No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.”
“People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.”
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
“If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.”
“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
“I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed.”
“You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.”
“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.”
“Tell me how I have upset you, because I want to know how to do it again.”
“Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.”
“I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”
“If you’re waiting for me to give a shit, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be while.”
“Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone. I realized I can do so much without you.”
“I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.”
“If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.”
“If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.”
“I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.”
“Fighting with me is like being in the Special Olympics. You may win, but in the end you’re still a retard.”
“Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.”
Funny Sarcastic Quotes
“Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” —John Wayne
“The road to success is always under construction.” —Lily Tomlin
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” —Unknown
“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” —Katharine Hepburn
“There’s no better vacation than my boss being on vacation.” —Unknown
“I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.” —Mitch Hedberg
“If you must make a noise, make it quietly.” —Oliver Hardy
“Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.” —Unknown
“Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.” —Unknown
“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” —Ashleigh Brilliant
“Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.” —Stephen Colbert
“If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.” —Unknown
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” —Steven Wright
“Tell me, is being stupid a profession, or are you just gifted?” —Unknown
“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” —Jerry Seinfeld
“It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.” —Unknown
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” —A. A. Milne
“Don’t mistake my efficiency as meaning I want to do your job, too.” —Unknown
“An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough.” —Unknown
“Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.” —Unknown
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” —Al McGuire
“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.” —Woody Allen
“The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.” —Gore Vidal
“I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.” —Unknown
“If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.” —Mitch Hedberg
“They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” —Clint Eastwood
“It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.” —Thomas Sowell
“Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?” —John Barrymore
“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” —Zsa Zsa Gabor
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” —Billy Wilder
“People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.” —Unknown
“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s because she changes it more often.” —Oliver Herford
“Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.” —Woody Allen
“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” —Steven Wright
“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.” —Steven Wright
“Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” —Will Rogers
“When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.” —Unknown
“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” —Winston Churchill
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.” —Unknown
“When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work.” —Unknown
“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” —Henny Youngman
“What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’? – Unknown
“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” —George Carlin
“I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.” —Lily Tomlin
“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” —Oscar Wilde
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.” —Bill Murray
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” —Woody Allen
“I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.” —Unknown
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” —Winston Churchill
“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.” —W. C. Fields
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” —Kin Hubbard
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.” —Bill Murray
“A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.” —George Bernard Shaw
“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.” —Billy Sunday
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?” —Sydney J. Harris
“I may look calm, but inside my mind, I’ve killed you 20 times, in 5 minutes, in 20 different ways.” —Unknown
“Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.” —Walter Kerr
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.” —Yogi Berra
“If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel.” —Unknown
“My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.” —Walter Matthau
“Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.” —Steve Irwin
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.” —Theodore Roosevelt
“A woman is like a teabag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” —Eleanor Roosevelt
“It’s amazing how you can have to worst day ever, but still laugh at yourself when you push a door that says pull.” —Unknown
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.” —Will Rogers
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” —W. C. Fields
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” —William James
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” —Will Rogers
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” —Rodney Dangerfield
Sarcasm Quotes and Sayings
“Sarcasm: intellect on the offensive.” —Unknown
“Blows are sarcasm’s turned stupid.” —George Eliot
“Sarcasm is a Manchester trait.” —Peter Hook
“Some sarcasm is best told simply.” —Kevin Hart
“Neither irony nor sarcasm is argument.” —Rufus Choate
“Sarcasm the body’s natural defense against stupidity.” —Unknown
“Sarcasm was usually lost on imbeciles.” —Sherrilyn Kenyon
“Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.” —Unknown
“We are suffering from too much sarcasm.” —Marianne Moore
“Avoid sarcasm. Don’t insist on the last word.” —Ford Frick
“Sarcasm is the last refuge of the imaginatively bankrupt.” —Cassandra Clare
“This music won’t do. There’s not enough sarcasm in it.” —Samuel Goldwyn
“The monkey is an organized Sarcasm upon the human race.” —Henry Ward Beecher
“Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.” —Unknown
“You had to learn at a certain age what sarcasm is, you know.” —Penny Marshall
“You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It’s really funny.” —Brandon Sanderson
“When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.” —Eric Hoffer
“If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.” —Ashleigh Brillant
“When dealing with sarcastic people, prescribe them the same course of medicine but with a stronger dosage.” —Unknown
“A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility.” —Lawrence G. Lovasik
“Puns are just another form of sarcasm, which may or may not make you – smile, giggle, or laugh.” —Aniruddha Sastikar
“Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.” —Fyodor Dostoevsky
“Sarcasm helps me overcome the harshness of the reality we live, eases the pain of scars and makes people smile.” —Mahmoud Darwish
“In my opinion, I think sarcasm and humor in a song, without turning it into a novelty song, is really charming.” —Alanis Morissette
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” —Groucho Marx
“What I claim is to live to the full the contradiction of my time, which may well make sarcasm the condition of truth.” —Roland Barthes
“Sarcasm I now see to be, in general, the language of the devil; for which reason I have long since as good as renounced it.” —Thomas Carlyle
“The spirit of sarcasm lives and thrives in the midst of universal wreck; its balls are enchanted and itself invulnerable, and it braves retaliations and reprisals because itself is a mere flash, a bodiless and magical nothing.” —Henri-Frederic Amiel
“Sarcasm is weird. Even not in acting, in life I feel like ‘sarcastic’ is a word that people use to describe me sometimes so when I meet someone, it’s almost like they feel like they have to also be sarcastic, but it can sometimes just come off as mean if it’s not used in the right way.” —Aubrey Plaza